


Just Holy On Until May

by Cas_tellations



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Happy Ending?, M/M, No Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-08-19 23:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8228962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_tellations/pseuds/Cas_tellations
Summary: More than anything, Dan feels empty. That's why he has to do this, it's the only way. He's so close to what he wants, so close to the peace and quiet of death. He wants it, he really does.





	

**Author's Note:**

> because I write too much angst here you can have one where there is a kinda happy ending I guess. Enjoy. (I know it's short I'm sorry I'm trying, okay?)

 

 

Dan didn’t know what the fuck he was doing with his life. 

 

It was stupid, really. His whole life he had everything presented to him on a silver platter, life wasn’t hard, per say. There just wasn’t really anything to it. It was empty, a master’s degree in something that he hated and a family who couldn’t care less about what he was doing as long as he was making money. There hadn’t been any time for relationships, it had always been doing this; doing that. Winning first place in sport’s tournaments. Doing the best he possibly could in school. Meeting equally as rich people, going through the whole thing. 

 

It was a life, sure. But it was empty. 

 

Maybe that was why he was doing this. What’s the point of living if you’re not doing anything? It was pointless, it really was. His Mum would have blamed it on depression; his Dad would have made some bullshit excuse about his son being murdered. But really, why would it matter if Dan wasn’t even there to see the aftermath? If they cared, if they  _ really  _ cared, then they would have seen the signs before, they would have helped. But they didn’t and they hadn’t so  _ fuck _ , there wasn’t anything stopping Dan from doing it. 

 

He pushed open the door to the roof of the hotel, flinching at the banging sound it made as it slammed closed behind him. 

 

He was going to do it. He had to, it was the only way. If there wasn’t any point to his life, then why try to keep living, wouldn’t it just be easier to say fuck it and die? It’s what he wanted, it really was. Maybe not the most peaceful way to go, but hey, it was something. 

 

It was cold, a little too cold for late August but that was summer weather for you, blistering hot during the daytime and arctic-cold during the night. Dan shoved his hands into his pocket, walking a little bit too confidently to the edge of the building. He paused at the railing for a second, breathing deeply before squeezing his eyes shut and swinging one leg over. He grabbed the rail in both his hands, feeling a second of hesitation in his fingertips before he swung his other leg over, turning so that his back was pressed up against the railing, held there steadily by his hands. His toes just reached the edge. 

 

_ He was going to do it. _

 

He had to. There wasn’t anything here for him. It was just the same routine over and over again, life held no meaning. There wasn’t anything, really. Wake up, eat, do some work, sleep, repeat. He had money, and if he had also inherited his parents love of it; he was sure that he would have been perfectly fine with with what he had. But he wasn’t, he couldn’t be. Apparently he had ‘Read too many fantasy books as a child’, or some other bullshit like that. 

 

But the truth was, he was tired of it. He wanted a reason to keep living, wanted a reason to wake up in the morning and smile and make jokes and just to fucking feel  _ happy.  _ But right now he didn’t have a reason. So that, more than anything else, was the reason of why he had to do this.

 

Dan breathed in deeply, feeling the sting of the cold air on his lungs. He glanced up at the night sky, exhaling his breath, watching the white cloud of it dissipating into the air. He squinted his eyes, straining to see a star or two. It was hard, being in the middle of a huge city sometimes, but he could still clearly remember the couple of camping trips as a young child; being able to look up at the stars without anything to stop him. 

 

It wasn’t like that anymore. 

 

Things changed.

 

He had to do this, he had to. 

 

He took a deep breath, in and out. He stared across the skyline. He was fine with it ending like this. The city was beautiful from the vantage point, it really was. 

 

He looked down, seeing the cars racing by. 

 

He loosened his grip, taking one hand off the rail completely. He let it trail through the air, connecting the stars into non-existent constellations. 

 

_ It’s fine to go like this. I’m okay with this. I’m fine like this. It’s okay like this. _

 

He let go of his other hand, ready for the salvation that death had the ability to bring. 

 

But it didn’t come. 

 

There was a scream, then two strong arms holding him back. They gripped at his chest, their fingers digging in painfully. 

 

They, whoever they were, was the only thing between Dan and what he wanted. They were stopping him from getting it. At this point, if he struggled free, he’d probably pull the other person over the edge as well. He wasn’t a murderer, he wouldn’t do that. He swung his arms back, spinning around on the edge and grabbing the rail back into his shaking hands. The person clutched at Dan, dragging him back onto the roof, pulling him away from the night sky. 

 

“What the hell d’you think you were doing?” The man’s voice was laced through with anger, he took a step back from Dan but stayed protectively between him and the rail. 

 

Dan shook his head. He didn’t want to answer the question, he didn’t want to talk about it. He could fucking do this! What was the point of living? He had been so fucking close to what he wanted and now he couldn’t get it and fuck, he felt sick and stupid and what the fuck was he doing why was anybody stopping him it wasn’t fucking fair, he just wanted to live! 

 

He numbly realised that he was crying, most likely screaming as well, but he couldn’t care less. He felt sick. He needed help, he knew. But he couldn’t go for help and what the fuck why was he like this??! 

 

He had never wanted to live like this. 

 

The other man seemed unsure as to what he should do, but then awkwardly took a few steps forwards and Dan was engulfed in a warm hug, the man’s chin resting on Dan’s shoulder. His hands rubbed comforting circles into his back. 

 

“It’s okay.” He whispered into Dan’s ear, “ _ Everything’s alright, now. _ ”

 

Dan slid his hands around the man’s waist, clinging to him as if he was a lifeline, and in a way, he was. He was everywhere around Dan, holding him together, but at the same time, being the reason that Dan was falling apart. 

 

The man rocked Dan from side to side gently, all the while talking to him, trying everything he could to get him to calm down. Dan was sobbing into his shoulder, his cries mingled with heart-wrenching whimpers and shaky breaths. 

 

“It’s okay,” The man repeated over and over again, “Everything’s going to be okay now, I’ve got you.”

 

It was stupid, but Dan couldn’t stop crying. He’d never completely broken down like this before, his head a mess of raw emotions and broken thoughts. There hadn’t really been any reason to break down before, there still wasn’t, but apparently it was happening and he couldn’t fucking snap himself out of it. 

 

Eventually, Dan managed to get his sobs under control, and the man softly unwrapped his arms from around Dan, reaching his hand up to smooth Dan’s hair back, a soft smile playing across his lips. 

 

“You alright?” It was a quiet question, but it meant so much. 

 

Dan nodded. He knew that it was a lie, but then again, this was a complete stranger and why the fuck would he just go around pouring his heart out to random strangers. 

 

The man let out a soft laugh, as if he knew how much of a fucking liar Dan was, but refused to challenge him on it. 

 

“I’m Phil, by the way.”

 

“I’m Dan.” 

 

Dan felt Phil’s arms wrapping around him once more, feeling his breath warm against his neck, feeling his hands trace soft circles into Dan’s back again, hearing comforting words being whispered into his ear. 

 

_ “Take a deep breath”  _

_ “It’s going to be okay.” _

_ “I’m here now, you’re fine.” _

 

_ “It’s okay.” _

 

_ “It’s okay.” _

 

_ “It’s okay.” _

 

Dan was sick of it, sick of feeling so fucking empty and unwanted. He didn’t want it anymore. Part of him wished more than anything that Phil hadn’t come up to the roof, that Phil hadn’t yelled at him, that Phil hadn’t pulled him back away from the peace.

 

Dan was aware at how pitiful he seemed: A fully grown british man sobbing into the shoulder of a stranger. But Phil’s arms felt so good around him, and his voice sounded so comforting, and his heart was beating steadily against Dan’s own racing chest. 

 

_ “It’s okay, Dan.” _

 

_ “Shhhh….” _

 

_ “You’re safe now.” _

 

Phil’s body was warm and soft, gently clutching Dan to himself. 

 

_ “It’s okay, Dan.” _

 

_ “Shhhh….” _

 

_ “You’re safe now.” _

 

Phil’s voice was soft, somehow drawing Dan out of the panic and sadness. A long while later, Dan felt his head clearing. He pulled away from Phil, crossing his arms protectively around his stomach. He took a deep breath in, then out. Several times he repeated this, trying to get his heartbeat under control. 

 

-

 

Years later, he’d look back at that moment, when he was about to jump. He would think of how close he came to ending it, of how  _ close  _ he had been to death, sometimes he’d still crave it, he’d still want to calm and the peace and the  _ quiet  _ that he was sure death would bring. Sometimes he felt like he was still standing on the edge between life and death, sometimes he’d just be so fucking  _ tired  _ of living. 

 

But the difference now was that he had Phil. 

 

Now, when he felt like he  _ had  _ to do it; he could call Phil, and Phil would come. He would be there with soft kisses and gentle cuddles, murmuring words to Dan that Dan didn’t think he deserved. 

 

Sure, Phil didn’t stop him from feeling empty, but he was enough to keep Dan going. He was enough to make Dan feel like, maybe one day, not too far off in the distance, he would get better.

 

He hoped that he would, he wanted to. 

 

Jumping wasn’t the only answer. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comments are what keeps me going


End file.
